Since I have started working full-time, I am thankful for.....

coffee, coffee, coffee,
national public radio,
my desk, computer, and comfy chair,
polite co-workers,
moments of silence,
fruit cups with dyed cherries,
my helpful and thoughtful partner,
my independent daughter,
supportive family members,
missing and coming home,
lint brushes,
new shoes,
painted nails,
eye liner and lip stick,
using my daughter's Barbie lunch box,
hour long lunches,
a sunny window,
snacks, especially in traffic,
cats greeting me at the door,
a washer and dryer,
my nice warm, black sweater with extra long sleeves.

I'm Official!

I am in a really crappy mood. I don't want to be talked to or touched, loud noises and clutter overwhelm me (it doesn't help that I have a three year old who is normally the source of both of those annoyances), I am extremely tired, I feel anxious, I feel very angry at times, I am very sensitive to everything that comes out of my husband's mouth and am in no mood for his cynical remarks, I am obsessive about cleaning and organizing everything but usually become overwhelmed by it all and do nothing, I feel reclusive, and I am very hungry. Yes, you guessed it, I have PMS. But, it is not just the common PMS you hear of, where women feel, "a little moody and bloated," I have been officially diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is described by WebMD as having symptoms that are, "...similar to those of PMS, but are severe enough to interfere with work, social activities, and relationships."

I have suffered with this "disorder" for many years. As I look back over the years, I can see a direct correlation between the two weeks prior to "my time of the month" and difficulties with loved ones. I can remember as far back as high school, having an argument with a boyfriend on Valentine's Day in response to my clouded PMDD perception of the situation. (I think I thought he didn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day with me or something like that. I just remember him being very angry because he had big plans for the day and I ruined them). Unfortunately, the majority of those who know me, have experienced my "bad weeks," whether it has been through an irrational argument, an experience as the target of one of my moods, or being emotionally and physically "abandoned" because of my "reclusiveness" around this time. I feel awful about this!

Because, for years, I have felt terrible about my PMDD induced behaviors, I have tried every natural herbal remedy and vitamin out there, diet changes, and relaxation techniques, including exercise. These have all worked great until the "bad weeks," and then I lose motivation to take the pills, eat the right foods, or exercise as I should. And it is not because I am lazy, it is because I become overwhelmed by all the factors involved and I just shut down.

All of this has sucked for me and the other adults around me, but it wasn't until I became a mother and realized that my child was being affected by my disorder, that I made a commitment to do whatever it took to protect her. So, I entered the world of prescription treatments.

You may have heard about the birth control pill, Yaz as a treatment for PMDD. The commericial for this drug that stands out most, to me, is the one with the really happy girl kicking and destroying the words irritability, mood swings, and bloating. Well, because that commericial was so inspiring to me, Yaz was my first attempt at a conventional treatment for my problem.

Instead of my symptoms being limited to the two weeks before my period as before, while on Yaz I felt irritable, sad, and hungry all the time. So, I quit after the first month, instead of giving it the three month trial as recommended by my doctor.

It was not until I moved to a new city and obtained insurance, that I tried the prescription route again. This time, I went to my family doctor and asked for something to help with stress and PMS. She had me try Prozac. Oh boy, let's just say, I didn't experience any PMDD symptoms because I was completely "drunk" the entire time I was on the drug. It was so bad, I almost couldn't drive a car (and, honestly, shouldn't have been driving).

Again, I quit.

Months later, after hearing positive things about the SSRI, Zoloft from a coworker, I decided to give it a try. After a few dosage adjustments, I finally experienced some relief. The symptoms still remained but were less intense and the drug gave me some time to think before I acted. I have taken Zoloft for a year now and continue to experience a small "breaks" from this disorder. Yet, I still have bad days, like yesterday and today, and although I am appreciative for the relief I have had from Zoloft, I continue to search for a treatment that will work fully and consistently.

My most recent plan of action was to visit my new gynecologist to discuss PMDD and whether or not there are any new treatment options. During this visit, I was finally diagnosed with the disorder and found out that the only treatments that have been shown in studies to be effective in treating PMDD are SSRI's (anti-depressants) and Yaz. So, she prescribed Yaz once again, told me to give it some time, and to take my vitamins with it.

I listened to her advice for the first month and then, because I was worried about the many reported negative side effects of the drug, I stopped taking it. Then, because I felt like I didn't give it enough time and that Yaz may be the one treatment that would help me, I tried it again. However, within a few weeks, I felt bad again and stopped taking it, again. (All of this may sound as if I am crazy and kind of stupid but, I think it just speaks to the struggles of many with health issues and spotlights the reality that remedies are frequently worse than the diseases they are meant to treat).

So, here I am today. I haven't taken Yaz for a month and my PMDD is extra bad this month (probably my fault for creating so many hormonal fluctuations, in my body, by starting and stopping so many times). I guess, I will be a good patient, ignore my gut feelings, take the Yaz for at least three months, and hope I see some improvement and don't end up with a blood clot. Wish me luck.

Shedding Old Skin

I have officially entered the world of the "Working Mom." I started a job as a full-time receptionist for an office building this past Friday.

After, dropping my three and a half year old off at her preschool (with no crying from either of us!), I leisurely drove to the closest Starbucks, walked in to order my Skinny Vanilla Latte, sat in my car until it was time to go answer the telephone, direct clients, and update invoices. Then, at noon sharp, I had the most wonderful lunch of pasta, sausage, and broccoli (of which my sweet husband prepared just for me). I had a whole hour to sit in an empty office, eat, and not talk. Absolutely amazing!

It is funny to me that a day that was so structured (compared to my normal "stay at home mom" day) felt like such a break. I felt a little guilty as I was just working. And, I have to admit, that while I did miss my daughter and called to check on her often throughout the day, it is true that things that are out of sight are out of mind. Toward the end of the day, though, I did become antsy to "rescue" my child from such a long day at "school." When I was finally able to pick her up, we hugged so tight. And, while we both had a good day (relatively speaking), as we hugged, we both fought to hold back tears of appreciation for the love we share.

In a perfect world, I would work about five hours a day, make excellent money, and get off work in the early afternoon. That schedule would be just the right amount of separation for my daughter and I to help us appreciate each other more without feeling completely deprived of each other. But, as we all know, the world is anything but perfect.

I suppose, I have completely put behind me, my stay at home mom experience. It is hard to believe that almost four years have passed since my girl was just entering the world. I leave this phase of life with hesitation, excitement for our new experiences, relief from the guilt of feeling like I was a financial burden to my family, and sadness because I will no longer have the privilege of spending the majority of my days with the love of my life, my sweet little girl.

Stupid Money!

The moment I became pregnant with my daughter, my struggles concerning work and childcare, began. During my pregnancy, I imagined that I would just give birth and in about three months, put her in daycare so I could go back to work. It didn't quite work out that way. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't think of my baby being in the care of someone else for 9+ hours while I agonized each day because I was not the one raising her. So, after thinking of many solutions, most of which were unrealistic, I decided to work part time as a tutor. Let me just pause here to say that, I understand and appreciate how fortuante I am to have had the opportunity to make a choice in the matter of how to handle the care of my child. I recognize that there are many parents who do not have the luxury of "deciding" when it comes to this.

From the time my daughter was three months old, I worked in the evenings as a tutor to elementary school students, on and off until last August. When we lived closer to my parents, my mom would watch her until my husband got home or I got off work. Then, when we moved, I took care of my daughter during the day, my husband would rush home so I could go to work in the evenings, and then, I would make it back just in time to put her to bed. This plan worked for a while, until it became a strain on all of us. We eventually decided that, because my husband's job was our primary source of income and I really wasn't bringing in a large sum of money, I should stay at home full time so he could focus more energy on work. As a result of this decision, I have not been contributing financially for more than six months now.

The reality of the situation, from a financial standpoint, is that I should be (and should have been) working full time. I have student loan debt, I have "less than perfect" credit, I have no savings, and although my husband makes decent money and we are paying our bills, we have two old cars and don't own a home. The logical part of my brain understands all of that and tries to convince the mothering part of my brain, to get a job, but it never works and I just end up feeling guilty.

The guilt, I have about this issue, comes from all angles. I feel guilty that my husband is pulling all of the financial weight, especially when we are not in the best financial shape. I feel guilty at the thought of my sweet girl being in daycare all day and of me not being there to answer all of her great questions, hug her when she needs it, fix her boo boos, listen to her songs, and watch her grow. And, last but not least, I feel guilty that I did not do a better job of preparing for my family's future, before I had a family.

I blame all of this on the feminists (just kidding). Seriously though, in my opinion, this pull between my homemaker self and my career minded self is a side effect of women being viewed as, "equal to men." Settle down ladies, I am not saying that I think women are not equal to men, I am just pointing out that, many of the rights women have "gained" seem to just be permissions to do traditionally male activities (IE. go out into the workforce). The way I see it, women are not being viewed as equals because of the belief that all humans, regardless of gender, deserve the same rights. To me, a woman is viewed as an equal only if she takes on the characteristics of a man. Should women not be respected for their "natural" behaviors and ways of thinking? I think so, but, some would ask, how we would determine which female behaviors and thoughts are actually naturally feminine, as many of them have evolved from being dominated by men. Also, as far as being seen as equal by being like men, it could be argued that there had to be a model of behaviors from which women would "start," in order to distinguish themselves as equals. It just so happened that the model was that of men. So, I don't know. Feel free to put me on the correct path if you wish. I am always willing to accept the possibility that my opinions might be narrow minded.

Anyway, I am writing about all of this because I have been presented with a potential opportunity to work full time and am feeling a lot of pressure to make a move, as I think, my time of making excuses like, "she will only be little once," has come to an end. For now, though, I am going to savor the rest of the time I have to stay at home with my girl and try to accept the fact that everything in life eventually balances, no matter what.

Sundays

My time as a mom, over the past three years, has made me extremely appreciative of the few minutes of "me time" I get each week.

This weekend has been a real treat because my daughter is with my parents, who live about an hour and a half away. Today is the second day in a row that I have had the privilege of sitting in the same place for more than five minutes at a time. It is 1:00 pm, I am just now having my morning coffee and haven't even considered leaving the comfort of my bed to take a shower, or clean the many messes throughout the house. My vegetative state takes me back to the days of what I called, "No Talk Sundays." These were the Sundays, after a weekend of dancing and drinking until the early hours of the morning, that consisted of me sleeping late, staying at home all day, and not talking to anyone (unless I felt like having an afternoon beer at my favorite bar). My, how things have changed! The Sundays in my life now are "Go to the Grocery Store, Do the Laundry, and Take the Recycling Sundays." Not as inviting as my single life Sundays, but more productive and surprisingly satisfying. You can't beat the feeling of a full refrigerator, fresh clothes, and empty recycling bins! Right?

It is amazing how differently I view the little things in life now that I am a mother. This became clear to me yesterday, when, on the way back from dropping my daughter off, I found myself stuck in traffic on the interstate for more than an hour. As I sat there amongst my fellow vehicle operators, instead of becoming annoyed by the seemingly unnecessary waste of time, I realized how relaxed I felt. No one was talking to me and there were no mini-crises occurring in the backseat. The possibilities were endless! I could think, I could just sit there and stare off into space, I could listen to music or public radio. And, just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I hit the jackpot! I discovered the Fuji apple I had put in my bag earlier in the day. Beautiful! Just to convince myself that I am still a little cool, I just want to add, that while to the childless readers, I may seem pathetic, I am confident that the parents reading this are sharing my joy and remembering their similar moments of solitude.

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I dislike motherhood, it is an experience that has positively impacted my life more than anything I have ever done. Shockingly, despite the fact that it has been exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming, as are most life changing events, each day, I become more and more grateful for the gifts of knowledge I am gaining as a result of "me-time deprivation."

Well, my lazy day is close to its end. My parents are on their way with my girl, who, I have been warned, is "wild and ready to see her Mommy and Daddy." I suppose I will get up, put on my mommy face, and continue on my journey with a somewhat rejuvenated stride.

Crushing My Inner Princess

My husband, three and a half year old daughter, and I just saw Disney's latest film The Princess and the Frog. While watching the vibrantly animated film, I was surprised to see that it featured an independent and goal-oriented lead, female character. This started me thinking about all the subtle messages, that are communicated to us, about gender, through the stories, movies, television, and products we encounter as children.

It was not the thought that my favorite childhood tales had been vehicles through which, society whispered in my ears, it's "rules" of femininity, it was the realization that I have formed my values and expectations about relationships based on these subtle suggestions. Just to be clear, I am not arguing that movies, books, and television programs are the sole influence on the formation of my thoughts about how a "girl" should behave, but I wonder what sort of ideals I would have if I had never watched or read Cinderella, Snow White, or The Little Mermaid.

I think I am focused on this issue for two reasons.

First, I am currently, and have been for about five years, struggling with the discrepancy between, the romantic relationship I imagined I would have with a man verses the relationship I actually have with my husband. I cannot seem to convince myself that our relationship is valid (for lack of a better word) because from the beginning, things have been unconventional, to say the least (we knew each other for about one month before I became pregnant). I constantly wrestle with the fact that, not only were we not planning on having a child, we weren't in love or even in a committed relationship. We certainly weren't planning on living "happily ever after!" I mean, he was in the process of moving to another state for God's sake. And, what bothers me even more, is that, despite all of this, I was ready to be "rescued" by him, not once considering how I felt about him, only worrying about how he felt. To this day, one of my biggest concerns is whether or not he views me as his "one true love."

All of this seems silly to me when I think about the reality of our relationship. We are respectful to each other, we laugh at each other's jokes, we have very similar views of how a household should operate, we actually like each other, we wish for the good and growth of each other. What else could one wish for in a marriage? My objective self thinks, "nothing," but the princess in me throws her tiara and screams, "PASSION, ROMANCE, A SOUL MATE CONNECTION, BEING SWEPT OFF YOUR FEET, FIREWORKS!" Okay, okay, maybe "myselves" could meet in the middle and settle for a few extra sexual advances, an "oh my God, you are so beautiful and wonderful" comment here and there, and a preplanned date night, once a month or so.

I really want to try to be more "zen" and just accept things the way they are. I really just want to be happy and appreciative of the many riches I have in my life. However, that is not likely to happen, as I have trouble with things like self-discipline and rational thinking, especially when it comes to love.

Anyway, the second reason I am concerned with this issue, is because, I am the mother of a female child and feel that I am the one (being a woman myself) who is responsible for providing her with the resources that will help shape her views of relationships and the role of women. I also, can't help but wonder, how she will be influenced by my ideas concerning female roles. I don't want her to be a "damsel in distress" or a passive participant in her relationships with men. I want her to think about the impact of her decisions. I want her to be independent and goal driven. But, I am not sure how to make that happen, especially if there is truth to this quote by James Baldwin, "children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

I guess, I should immediately remove her from her current spot in front of the television, where she is watching the Aristocats, pry the princess dress and shoes off her little body, and design a plan of action that will mold us both, into strong, confident, level-headed women of the twenty first century.

Well, maybe I will wait until O'Malley the Alley Cat finishes singing, romances the Dutchess, and rescues her and the kittens from the greedy butler.

http://www.commonsensemedia.org/movie-reviews/princess-and-frog

http://www.collider.com/2009/12/11/the-princess-and-the-frog-review/