Stupid Money!

The moment I became pregnant with my daughter, my struggles concerning work and childcare, began. During my pregnancy, I imagined that I would just give birth and in about three months, put her in daycare so I could go back to work. It didn't quite work out that way. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't think of my baby being in the care of someone else for 9+ hours while I agonized each day because I was not the one raising her. So, after thinking of many solutions, most of which were unrealistic, I decided to work part time as a tutor. Let me just pause here to say that, I understand and appreciate how fortuante I am to have had the opportunity to make a choice in the matter of how to handle the care of my child. I recognize that there are many parents who do not have the luxury of "deciding" when it comes to this.

From the time my daughter was three months old, I worked in the evenings as a tutor to elementary school students, on and off until last August. When we lived closer to my parents, my mom would watch her until my husband got home or I got off work. Then, when we moved, I took care of my daughter during the day, my husband would rush home so I could go to work in the evenings, and then, I would make it back just in time to put her to bed. This plan worked for a while, until it became a strain on all of us. We eventually decided that, because my husband's job was our primary source of income and I really wasn't bringing in a large sum of money, I should stay at home full time so he could focus more energy on work. As a result of this decision, I have not been contributing financially for more than six months now.

The reality of the situation, from a financial standpoint, is that I should be (and should have been) working full time. I have student loan debt, I have "less than perfect" credit, I have no savings, and although my husband makes decent money and we are paying our bills, we have two old cars and don't own a home. The logical part of my brain understands all of that and tries to convince the mothering part of my brain, to get a job, but it never works and I just end up feeling guilty.

The guilt, I have about this issue, comes from all angles. I feel guilty that my husband is pulling all of the financial weight, especially when we are not in the best financial shape. I feel guilty at the thought of my sweet girl being in daycare all day and of me not being there to answer all of her great questions, hug her when she needs it, fix her boo boos, listen to her songs, and watch her grow. And, last but not least, I feel guilty that I did not do a better job of preparing for my family's future, before I had a family.

I blame all of this on the feminists (just kidding). Seriously though, in my opinion, this pull between my homemaker self and my career minded self is a side effect of women being viewed as, "equal to men." Settle down ladies, I am not saying that I think women are not equal to men, I am just pointing out that, many of the rights women have "gained" seem to just be permissions to do traditionally male activities (IE. go out into the workforce). The way I see it, women are not being viewed as equals because of the belief that all humans, regardless of gender, deserve the same rights. To me, a woman is viewed as an equal only if she takes on the characteristics of a man. Should women not be respected for their "natural" behaviors and ways of thinking? I think so, but, some would ask, how we would determine which female behaviors and thoughts are actually naturally feminine, as many of them have evolved from being dominated by men. Also, as far as being seen as equal by being like men, it could be argued that there had to be a model of behaviors from which women would "start," in order to distinguish themselves as equals. It just so happened that the model was that of men. So, I don't know. Feel free to put me on the correct path if you wish. I am always willing to accept the possibility that my opinions might be narrow minded.

Anyway, I am writing about all of this because I have been presented with a potential opportunity to work full time and am feeling a lot of pressure to make a move, as I think, my time of making excuses like, "she will only be little once," has come to an end. For now, though, I am going to savor the rest of the time I have to stay at home with my girl and try to accept the fact that everything in life eventually balances, no matter what.